HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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Blocking is for Linemen

I have the most terrible writer's blog, that is assuming of course that I am in fact a writer of course. But since the summer began I haven't been able to complete a thought in any phase of my life. I may have ADD but mostly I am just easily distracted. I had blogs planned on:

• the Soprano's finale, but now enough has been said (I thought it was a genius way of flipping the bird by the way),
• and the Red Sox season which I am obviously very happy with, who isn't?
• I've tried to blog about the recent strikes/protests which have plagued the UMass campus (not really though it's just the student's way of flipping the bird to themselves... idiots)
• and I tried several times to write about the Patriots but there really are not a lot of English words to describe whats going on with that team so I'll sum it up with one Swahili word that I came across on the Internet "ontzagwekkend" which literally means "the New England Patriots are pretty!" (and their season is another way of flipping the bird, especially Billy B)

Basically this is the year of flipping the bird.....

That all said, I need help over here. My rent is in arrears, my days are dreary, I cycle through three websites for about 18 hours a day, Espn.com, Facebook.com and E-trade.com and its just pitiful. So if nothing else, just send me some links to some amazing websites! Thank you so much, this may be a breakout blog!

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I've Got an Answer...I'm Going to Fly Away, Hey-hey-hey

Excerpt from a blog I was working on before ADD-depression took hold

On this fine day I was in the shower (insert mental image here) and I recalled an argument that I had seen on the tube the other day that enraged me. There was a man with enough audacity to defend the point that illegal immigrants have the right to be upset that there are no jobs for them here! He really had no argument whatsoever and the host (who's name escapes me) was basically, and justifiably just shaking his head. So in the shower (by now I was rinsing my hair), I came up with a solution, but first I will bring you on the journey that I went through to reach my conclusion...

While lathering I thought, 'what had we done prior to the current immigrant crisis'? And I remembered the stories of yore. Stories of immigration rushes from the Potato Famine,

One other matter of business... visit my other blog at http://alljokingaside.blogspot.com/, which is now a cartoon blog for some very strange entertainment!

Random Rant

Well, I am going to try my best to get this thing back on it's feet. For today I am going to go off on a little rant, Maybe I'll throw in some pics and what not but you'll have to read on to see. I have been in a rut with some terrible writer's block.

Now lets talk about sports... The Boston Red Sox destroyed the Colorado Rockies as you may well know. From a baseball fan's point of view, the non-competitiveness of the Rockies was horrible and hard to watch. I attribute their no-show to both the huge lay-off, 9 days is a long time to not play baseball and be expected to perform in the biggest series of the season. There are two factors at work here. One, the Rockies' hotness throughout the playoffs turned out to be detrimental, they should have paced themselves, lose a game here or there and then you're good. But even if the Rockies had been fresh for that series, I am not sure that the outcome would have been much different. Beckett was still unbeatable, but they may have won a game or two somewhere along the way. If the Rockies really wanted a scapegoat then they could go after the league and Fox/TBS. The playoff schedule is absurd! The day offs really impede the excitement of a series, especially in a 7 game series. I am not really sure what my point is, but the MLB is becoming a lot like the NFL where the biggest game(s) of the year are the American League/Football Conference Championship game is the more important championship to win. It almost feels like the national championship games are against minor league teams. Its a lock that the AFC team will win the NFL Championship Game again this year.

The Patriots will be addressed soon.

To understand this post, first watch the video beneath.

Well... this is the event that has forced me to come out of hiding. Initially I was going to post about the Sopranos "finale" but I realized that was not worth my time (because the series basically ended a couple seasons ago anyhow), then I was going to post about Paris Hilton but we as a species need to forget about her, the latest Patriots "cheating" fiasco is not worth any more type because it was a blown out of proportion story perpetuated by the media in a slow sports week. But this is the straw that broke the camel's back, this video raises a lot of rage in my bones and not for the reasons you'd think.

When I first saw this video it was the camera phone video that everyone saw. It was trained solely on the guy, as if planned, but the fact that he was center stage for that entire video is not the only reason that I draw that conclusion from. No, rather it is the fact that the video starts only at the end of his dissenting rant to make it look like the police had truly targeted him for no reason. However, the truth is that he had been ranting for several minutes during a debate, not letting Senator Kerry answer his questions. In these forums audience members are (generously) allowed to direct questions to the speaker. This guy violated the rules and the rent-a-cops removed him from continuing his disturbance.

Blah, blah, blah, you can come up with the rest if you want, it will be all over the Internet and talk shows for a few days, along side Orenthal. So thanks for coming back and keep checking back for more, it gets better!

UF Lacks Freedom of Speech

Remember when in Mr. Field's class I said "I have a gun!" and everyone laughed and I got in trouble and trouble and had to apologize...well I did have a gun.

PARIS IS BACK!!!

The day hath come’ the moratorium on this blog can finally end. PARIS IS FREE! We’ve waited with bated breath and thanks to this website and all of you loyal readers the world can go on being a beautiful place. I am not sure, but I had heard that a lot has happened since the last posting, I was busy with my protest living in a home made prison cell and living in the same conditions that the Heroic Heiress had endured for so long. But we have a major surprise for you today. Her Heroic Heiressness has agreed (in large part to the unwavering support from this website which clearly helped shorten her prison stay) to enlighten us with some words from the heart about her recent ordeal, so without further adieu I present, Paris Hilton Galactic Empress:

Like, hello to al my fanz! Like I totalie haf to thank u all for ur suport!
Like, wile I wuz in pirson I was so sad. Like I was like totalie away from
my sell fone and my puppie dog and I had to like wear this gross like orunge jumpsuit and it was totalie like just aful and like it didunt even match anything that I like had to like wear with it. Like my shoes were totalie like hot and all but like Merciless Mary stoll them from my sell while I was in the like the place with the gras, like it had all the people in it and like all that stuff, someone called it like the yard or like something like like like. Like I could totalie ecksplane to you how like aful like the
whole thing was but like that would take for like ever lol! Like I have to
tell you this storie tho. Like I think it was a toosday and like Merciless
Mary was like saying all this like weird stuff about how she likes to like
kill men and stuff and so I said “Like hey Merciless Mary, if you like
killin men so much why don you like like go out and like kill Daunting Darcy shes like a man” and like the hole eating place was like lafing. Like that time when I got out for like a day and the news like was all like “Puhrysadkilpe hiltun [PARIS HILTON, ed.] has like a mental thing” I
was like so sad. Like I called Nicki Richi and she was all like “hey like do you want to like go shopping when you get out" and I was like "no bitch!". Like I totalie cant wate to see the sopranos season finale I bet its like completlee like..."

UPDATE: While writing this gold on her BlackBerry in her Bentley, Ms. Hilton veered off the road and crashed into the statue that I built of her, it may be a while before this blog gets updated again.

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The Red Sox

Clearly the team that is playing the best right now is the Boston Red Sox. They have the best record in the majors (26-11) which also translates to the best winning percentage (.703) have the biggest lead in their division out of any team in the bigs (8 1/2 over New York). Stop reading if it's too obvious but the reason why they have been the best is because their pitching has given up the fewest total runs in the MLB (126) and their offense has scored the most runs out of all 32 teams (205).

Does this mean they are the best team? According to the objective of the game which is to score more runs than you allow to win games, then yes it does mean that they are the best team. But the best part about the whole thing is that they have no reason to rush Josh Beckett to health. He has been phenomenal on a staff that consists of 3 1/2 guys who should start the All-Star Game (Wakefield, Beckett, Schilling and Dice-K is the half).

What would a cynic say about this? "It is early" which is true, it is early, but the objective isn't just to win games late in the season, you have to win them all season long. I liken that argument to the one that was utilized after Dice-K's first start. "He hasn't played any good teams". I think that is the dumbest argument. He does not get to choose who he pitches against, and if he is going to pitch against a bad team he may as well pitch great. One argument that a pundit may not make is that the inability to sign Roger Clemens will hurt them. This is another bad argument because Roger Clemens will not be better than anyone in the rotation except Julian Tavarez, and Tavarez has been great for a number 5 starter, at least he's been better than any of New York's starters, and what's more is that he is going to soon be replaced by Lester, which will also bolster the already amazing bullpen! Oh this is a great season, keep it up!

Why I rambled this blog out escapes my mind, I just felt like I had to write something.

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Live Updates from the Seven Seas I

(Truth in this story is not guaranteed, and the names have been changed, but still represent real people)

Launch went off without a hitch, if you consider losing one of your chef's to a pending trial regarding being the number 1 subscriber to Mainland America Man Boy Love Association (MAMBLA) hitch less (luckily we still have MAMBLA's 2^nd biggest customer on board, he is our oiler but I will get to that soon). Nevertheless the journey must go on, and on it shall go!

We disembarked from Provincetown at 5:47am after a long night of partying with the men. This is a journey that will take us to the end of our lives and now, 300 Nautical Miles from port, our adventures have only just begun. I will now introduce to you the crew.

Our chef who is now awaiting trial was Midshipman Rohald McMurphy, we expect him to beat the silly case on a technicality in a few months or so and then he will rejoin the crew.

Our chief artist and back-up chef Lieutenant Commander Ryan Scranton's art will be one of our main sources of income for the voyage, also he will pen treasure maps for us while spinning pies.

Our oiler/mechanic, also MAMBLA's number 2 best customer, Ensign Johannes Randy Sorkin will be taking care of the vessels mechanical functions and tickling us pink every now and then.

Juan Banēson will be our look-out man and chief historian on board. He will collaborate with Lt. Commander Scranton on treasure maps to ensure our ultimate success.

Lieutenant Commander First Class Eric Loveschild, our liaison to the spiritual realm, chief medic, head lifeguard and head of security will ensure our safety while at sea and the betterment of our souls.

Commander Minas Singer is our on-board DJ/ Entertainment officer in charge of morale, will also Navigate the vessel at the helm.

1^st Mate, and other helmsmen positions will be rotated periodically and when it is suitable to have someone else in command by the crew.

And I, Admiral Doon Abers am Captain of this ship, I decide when we fight, when we run, and where the ship goes. Other than that most of the decisions on board will be made democratically.

With so many characters, this is sure to be a whacky exploit. Stay tuned for periodic updates that will thrill the senses!

MOTHERS DAY!

It's mother's day, I hope you all bought your mother's flowers and chocolates… I did not, so the reason I hope that you did is so that you do not undergo the same amount of stress that I am! But wait! There is something I can do for my mother… Blog about her!! I hope you appreciate this mom.

Mom, you are easily the best mother in the world, possibly the best who has ever walked that very same world. If not for you, this blog (however awful it is) would not be in existence. If not for you, my father would not be sane, my sister would not be insane and I would not be. You put up with my crying tantrums that took place before soccer, during camp, when I had night terrors, and all sorts of other situations, you should probably be given a Medal of Honor for that. You have been through a lot, helping your family (extended and close) through difficult situations and putting up with their tantrums too. You've had a heart attack, which you punched in the face and beat to a pulp. You stand for all that is right in the world and no one should ever cross you. You are the greatest mom and I love you very much.

Accomplishments (in no particular order)

• 
  
  gave birth to me


• 
  
  gave birth to my sister


• 
  
  raised me


• 
  
  raised my sister


• 
  
  beat me in many fights


• 
  
  received a pack of gum from me for your birthday once and didn't punch me in the head (like I deserved)


• 
  
  extended dad's life expectancy


• 
  
  been the glue in 2 families


• 
  
  supported me in all my endeavors


• 
  
  calmed my father's nerves when he was upset at me


• 
  
  calmed my sister's nerves when she was upset at me


• 
  
  calmed your own nerves when you were upset at me


• 
  
  and so much more
  

I LOVE YOU MOM!!

Public Apology

I feel that I must publicly apologize about the recent state of this blog. To the faithful reader (my dad), I apologize that this blog has not lived up to the standards in recent times that we all hope it would. This blog has been crap for a few days now (maybe for its entire life) but rest assured, in a matter of time this blog will return to a state of awsomness that will be unparalled. In the mean time please be entertained by the clip of the man being tasered repeatedly, and deservedly so.

The Rock

Tonight (7:07), Dice-k takes the hill against the Toronto Blue Jays in game 2 of this three game set. I predict that he will cruise through the first 4 innings, then give up 4 runs in the 5th and then pitch great until the 7th. But what I want is at least 15 strikeouts, its about time Dice-K, come on... come on.

Just a Quick Heads Up

In a few days I am embarking on a journey that will span the rest of my life. I am taking to the seas. I will be chronicling the events of the journey in posts on this blog as time goes on. My crew and I are very excited.
So tune in frequently.

Here is what the ship looks like.

What is Wrong With… “N*ppy He*ded H*es”?

This is a rap yo…

Don Imus was wrong…

Dem Rutgah's ladies ain't N*ppy He*ded H*es!

They ain;t h*es from different area codes

They ain't h*es with crappy threaded clothes

CHORUS:

Get 'em Sharpton, Get 'em Jesse

Make this Imus sh*t good 'n messy

Blame dem corporate h*es in their fancy clothes

Not all dem h*es makin rythms flow

Don't blame those who go into da sto's

Blame dat Billy O', and dat Kramer Foe

(CHORUS)

Dem corporate crows is makin' all da dough

Keepin Snoop an' other bro's really F'in PO!

Dem white CEO's gotta F'in GO!

(CHORUS)

Imus aint da h*e, he aint "getting low"

NO! He aint spittin rhymes like Edgar Allen Poe

Not tryin to maintain no stinky status Quo

Seeds of racial ish he be tryin ta sew

Neva spent a day in da Ghetoo

Woa!

(CHORUS)

Yo!

Seriously though, come on. Come on Russell Simmons, in Time Magazine you were quoted as saying that "It is the norm for American culture. Hip-hop is so honest. We have to adhere to the truth, even if it makes us uncomfortable. The artists have to express what's in their heart. They don't always feel like being happy and dancing." In response to the question "How has ostentatious consumption and misogyny become the norm for the hip-hop movement". Seriously Russell, how can you say that the hip-hop portrayal of women represents the American culture's hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women? As far as I know, it is not the norm of American culture to hate women. Your comments in this week's issue of Time puzzle me, although they shouldn't. The only norm here is that another person is allaying responsibility for something to someone else.

What we need is a comprehensive approach, not the approach of Al Sharpton, who recently hosted a rally outside of a Record producing company, claiming that it is the white corporate types that make hip-hop use self-defeating words. Such a lame argument for so many reasons.

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What is Wrong With... Roger Clemens?

At the risk of becoming primarily a sport's blog I will now analyze (expertly) the Roger Clemens fiasco.

Roger "The Pocket Rocket" Clemens is... GASP!!!...once again a New York Yankee, and for reasons that I will get into later it could not have come at a better time for him. But first, what does this mean for the beloved Boston Red Sox?

NOT A DANG THANG!

The Red Sox are currently one of the premier teams in the league. Their pitching is dominating and going deep into games. Obviously, it would be naive to think that it will continue that way, but you cannot make predictions or analysis based on unknowns such as injuries. If nothing else, the Red Sox should be motivated by this signing. I'll be honest, I thought that he was going to sign with the Red Sox, but it really does not make any more sense than if David signed up with the Philistines and fought alongside Goliath, we certainly would not be remembering David had he done that.
Roger Clemens is looking to further his already superb legacy by trying to bail out the Yankees in a situation that they will probably be bailed out of anyway. Their pitching would probably get healthy again and their hitting will only improve with Jeter, Abreu, and Damon in slumps at press time, and do not forget about Mariano Rivera's troubles. Obviously he is not his old self, but even a depleted Rivera is better than most other closers in the league.
The money, clearly is another reason why Clemens is the only winner here (other than the Red Sox). $28 million prorated dollars should be enough to bring anyone out of retirement. The Yankees rotation currently costs higher than any major league team prior to 1991 (I made that up because I am too lazy to find the real figure), and more than 23 teams this season. But if the Yankees have the money why not spend it? All I know is that I would not spend $28 million prorated dollars on a guy who played 19 games last year and recorded a 7-6 record with an ERA of 2.30 that sounds good but in the light hitting NL that translates to an ERA over 5.00 in the heavy hitting AL. Which brings me to my predictions for Roger this season... I predict that he will match his 7-6 record and record an era of about 5.28, with 92k's and he will not beat the Red Sox at all. Well worth $28 million if you ask me.

Sorry for this ramble but I had to get it out.

Special Thanks to Miss. W. Mass for use of her laptop (this blog is in no way affiliated with the Miss America Organization, or the Children's Miracle Network, but still click on that link and donate)

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What Is Wrong With..... Paris Hilton!?!?

On May 4th, 2007, Paris Hilton, who happens to be the best representation of innocence in youth in this country to the world, was (in my estimation) framed for a violation of her probation, and has until June 5th to report to a 45 day jail sentence. Obviously this is the fault of no one except her publicist.

Paris, who had been previously arrested for drunk driving and reckless driving had violated her probation by... driving! She claimed to be unaware that she was not allowed to drive, even though the court order mandating that she stay out of the driver seat was in the glove box at the time!

Her claim was that her publicist, who should be fired soon, did not explain to her that she could not drive. Clearly the 26 year old "model"- "porn star"- heiress -role model - spokesperson - socialite should not be expected to know the terms of court orders imposed upon her.

On a serious note, this is obviously a victory for everyone. It removes someone who should not be looked up to, someone who should not even be mentioned or known, from the perverted society that she perverts. Furthermore, she clearly should not be driving in the first place, and this is probably, at least for the 45 days that she is in jail, save countless lives.

A Look at this Weekend’s Sporting Events

Wow! What a weekend for sports! With what is expected to be one of the biggest boxing matches in Pay Per View history slated to take place Saturday, May 5^th, the 122^nd running of horses at Churchill Downs also on Saturday, lots of basketball and hockey playoff games all weekend, and a Red Sox series in Minnesota all scheduled to take place, this should be quite a weekend to remember.

First, the boxing match. Oh the hype! This fight, featuring Oscar De La Hoya (38-4 30 KO's) and Floyd Mayweather Jr. (37-0 24 KO's) should be a doozie. It is already projected to be the top grossing Pay Per View event of all time.

Mayweather, the undefeated and current WBC Welterweight champeen, is the son of De La Hoya's former trainer! What's more is that Floyd Mayweather Sr. is not the biggest fan of his son! Some say that Mayweather has no weakness and if I were face to face with the man I wouldn't have any qualms about telling him that his left jab clearly is his weakness, then when he'd attempt to prove me wrong I'd dodge his weak jab and counter with a right hook and combo into my patented Shamalamadingdong as performed by Otis Day and the Knights and knock the living daylights out of Mayweather.

In fact, Floyd… that is a direct challenge. You… Me… the Garden… July 4^th Pay Per View. I know I'll be there, if you don't show… that's your problem.

Oscar De La Hoya literally means "Oscar of the Hole" no joke, but I translate it differently. For me it's "Oscar De La No Holes In His Style". The man is a living legend and did I mention that he is gorgeous to boot!? Well he is. He dresses right, fights right, eats right and looks right.

That said, here is my prediction… Mayweather with the left jab into Of The Hole's temple knocking him to the carpet and out cold in an instant in the 2^nd. Why? Because its May and the weather is nice, so therefore Mayweather must win. Enjoy paying $54.99 to watch some guys punch each other. I wish every household in America would pay me $54.99 to get punched.

Next on the menu is the 122^nd running of the steeds at Churchill Downs. The bigness of this event is overshadowed by the attendance of the Queen of England. She and some of her royal family will attend this year's Kentucky Derby and she will undoubtedly lose hundreds of dollars betting on the wrong trifecta. But enough Queen bashing, I am actually very proud of the Queen. In a gesture of good faith she visited with some of the families and survivors of the April tragedy at Virginia Tech. Nicely done Queen.

Now, here are the field and odds for the race:

And here is my educated pick:

• "Storm in May"-Win, for the same reason that Mayweather will win,
• "Tueflesberg"-Place, because obviously it's one of two Jewish horses in the race,
• "Sedgefield"- Show, because this horse is clearly the other Jewish horse in the field, and because it is the fastest, has the best position and currently is possessed by the soul of Barbaro.

Barbaro, may it Rest In Peace

There are also basketball and hockey playoffs... COOL

The Red Sox have a tough series in Minnesota starting tonight with matchups of Wakefield (2-3) vs Silva (2-1); The Immortal Tavarez (1-2) vs The Average Santana (3-2) Saturday and the final game of the series Schilling (3-1) takes on Ponson (2-3) I predict a sweep!

Also, Spiderman 3 debuts, the spring concert at UMass is Sunday and don't forget to get your Meat Loaf tickets Monday for his August 20^th show at the Pavilion in Boston.

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Hail! Hail! The Gang's All Here!

We have our first post from someone other than Daniel (me). Meet, Brian... The energetic and comedic all-star out of Townsend, MA is expecting to receive his his BA in Math from UMass Amherst later this month. His witty, light-hearted humor will delight those who read his posts and he is a welcome spirit to this blog.

Enjoy his first post below. It's a clever template that can be used to write amazing comedy!

This is he

Contemplative..................DESTRUCTIVE

If you would also like to contribute to this growing blog, please e-mail DanielAbrams94@gmail.com with your name, a sample of your work, transcripts and of course 3 recommendations from esteemed people.

Welcome Emblem

Family Guy (Shit-ty-Show) -noun : An arbitrary assortment of movie quotes, TV quotes, and other stolen, unoriginal comedy set to animation, loosely following a storyline written by an angry baboon swatting at a typewriter.


So I was thinking of something monumental to write about for my first entry, but nothing was coming to mind. 15 seconds later, a friend sent me a link to a youtube video clip, and unfortunately I was reminded of the monumental suckfest that is Family Guy. The horrendous 18 second clip in question involves Peter reciting (practically verbatim) a quote from this website:

http://reviews.ebay.com/Top-100-Chuck-Norris-Facts_W0QQugidZ10000000000690883


Or any other Chuck Norris site, it makes no difference.

--Before I say anything more, I would like to point out that I am aware of the irony that a lot of what I am saying has already been said on South Park. Before you all scream hypocrisy, I have felt this way long before they made their ideas public, and they articulated it before I could.--

"There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist"

After all intellectual property theft has been properly executed, the joke becomes a Family Guy original when they tack on Brian getting punched in the face by Chuck Norris' chin fist. WOW! So, all you have to do is simply recite someone else's joke, then add a second or two of slapstick to make it your own. That's creativity at its finest, people. If there is an opposite of laughing, that's what I did for a few seconds before seeing what other people thought. Reading the first comment, I saw that at least one person found this hilarious. In fact, the entire page was filled with viewers who couldn't get enough of this brilliant, original, detestable plagiarism.

View the video here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grg0Yfz8k2A

I don't know about you guys, but I love watching a 90-second storyline crammed with over 20 minutes of arbitrary movie and tv references. WHAT THE HELL MAKES THIS SO FUNNY? Or, I should say, how could anyone find this funny?


Writer 1 : "Hey I got an idea! Lets have a clip where Darth Vader is looking at pornography! Can you imagine that? PORNOGRAPHY! VADER! See, people like Star Wars, and porno can be funny sometimes! Get it?"

Writer 2: "Genius! Where should we put it in the story line?"

Writer 3: "You got a die?"

*** Want to be a Family Guy writer? It's EASY! Just follow these simple steps***

1. Think of any possible storyline that could last longer than 60 seconds

examples- Main character going to the store
- Main character going fishing
- Main character going for a walk

It's not too important, the audience probably won't be able to notice a storyline anyway.

2. Something happens to the main character while fishing/walking/store fishing/walk storing

This is the basis for your joke, so pay attention. This event can be described by an adjective.

adjective examples : funny, happy, cool, sad, etc.

3. After you have settled on your favorite adjective to describe the event, now it's time to dip into the infinite resource of other peoples' fame. This is the easy part.

The sentence

"This is funnier than.... This is cooler than.... I am happier than.."

goes a long way. Now it's time to reach into that creative mind of yours and pull out whatever movie/tv clip or celebrity you can think of. BUT (careful now), you don't want to plagiarise, you want to keep this your own material. Instead of having it end how it would, have it end with one of the following:

-someone running around screaming and yelling
-someone falling down
-someone looking at porno

or just be creative! There's at least 2 other ways for a family guy flashback to end. Now you're ready to write and please millions.

This is just an amazing article well worth reading: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18368186/site/newsweek/

30 Days Hath September, APRIL, June and November

So today is the last day of April, which is also the first real month of this blog, here are some milestones to tell you all about.:

• The dumb post about the bees was the 20th dumb post and the 30th post overall.
• We surpassed 1,000 page hits, and are well on our way to getting 6 million new page hits per month.
• We may soon get a post from someone other than myself as well for the first time.

Overnight success is a dream of mine, and at this rate I will retire by september. So yea, keep reading and soon we'll have all sorts of contests and new content, also I am open to suggestions about how to make this website better. Thanks again!

What is Wrong With.... Japanese Giant Wasps?

Man, have I got a story to tell you...

I was walking to class today (as many of you well know it takes a bloody fortnight to get to classes at UMass Amherst) and today was a windy day so as one could imagine there was lots of debris flying around. Well i thought nothing of this until I looked to my left and whizzing at me at a good 80 mile per hour clip was a JAPANESE GIANT WASP (Vespa mandarinia)! It hit me square in the shoulder and broke my arm in 3 places, the doctors said that I was lucky it was not completely severed, which is why it has taken me 98 hours to type what I have thus far. Well you would think that was the end of the story but no, that is just where it begins!!! Upon being nailed by this massive insect, and apart from having my arm literally shattered like an egg dropped from 11 and a half feet, I was also rendered immediately unconscious. If not for my trusty camera phone I would not have been able to remember the incident or have evidence to sue the bee community or have been able to show you this picture: I had heard later that someone found the bastard bee and smooshed it with a Timberland, this person is now being held by the police for questioning in an apparent apiacide. Now, even after this ordeal, I have to consider myself lucky, had the bee not been inebriated, it could have stung me with its quarter inch stinger, and as you all know very well, Japanese Giant Wasps do not have barbs on their stingers and can sting repeatedly, and in the process release a pheromone which attracts dozens of other bastard beast bees. While in a meeting with my attorney we were interrupted by the FBI which had come to inform us that they were building a case against the Japanese Giant Wasp population and we were told not to go ahead with our case. It seems that Japanese Giant Wasps dominate the European Honeybee which has no defense against the Wasps which are approximately 10 million times larger than the docile Honeybee. In fact, about a half dozen or so Japanese Giant Wasps can devastate an entire hive of over 30,000 Honeybees in a matter of hours, suffering only minor casualties. The fascinating thing is that the Japanese Giant Wasps send out a single scout from their hive to find the Honeybees and then they mark the hive with a pheromone which will send the attackers into a frenzy, then once finished with the slaughter, the Japanese Giant Wasps will gather the larvae and eggs from the Honeybee colonies and bring them back to feed the young Japanese Giant Wasps. What's more is that the native Japanese Honeybees have built up a defense against the Japanese Giant Wasps. What happens is when a scout approaches a Honeybee hive, the Honeybees retreat into the hive and lure the Giant Wasp into the hive where they engulf it with Honeybees and then they vibrate so quickly that the body temperature of the Japanese Giant Wasp is raised a few degrees above it's tolerance, but still within the Honeybee's tolerance, thus killing the intruder and securing the hive from an attack. This practice comes at a cost however and several hundred bees die in the process.

This is where the Devil's live JAPAN:

Alright, obviously my story was dumb and fabricated, but it isn't completely false. A large bee actually did clumsily fly into my arm today riding a gust of wind. I was frightened but held my composure and ran like a little girl.

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Troy Tulowitzki Triple Trick

Troy Tulowitzki, the 2nd year PHENOM shortstop of the Colorado Rockies out of Long Beach State turned the very rare unassisted triple play in the top of the 7th inning today. It went down like this ya'll: The Atlanta Braves' Chipper Jones lined out to Tulowitzki (out number 1) and with the runners on first and second running with the pitch, Tulowitzki tagged second to retire the immortal Kelly Johnson (out number 2) then the former Red Sox great, shortstop Edgar Renteria was tagged out feet away from second base (out number 3). It was the 13th unassisted triple play in the history of the game, and Tulowitzki is the coolest guy to do it since John Valentin did it for the Red Sox against the Seattle Mariners in 1994 (sorry Furcal, you are not cool enough).

In my expert analysis Tulowitzki is clearly the greatest Polish Baseball player since Carl Yastrzemski. And will become the career leader in most batting categories in no time.

Sadly, however, the numbering for this unassisted triple play is 666, which also means something.

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An Interesting "If/ Then" Conjecture

If Tom Brady married Brady Quinn, then he'd be Tom Quinn.

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NFL Draft

William Jefferson Belichick > Albert Pujols Einstein

(not really)

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Red Sox

Yea, the Red Sox won big last night... but I didn't... First of all when is Daisuke going to have a game where he does not get thrown off track by horrible umpire calls? I have the Matsuzaka Man on my fantasy team and although he pitched well, he needs to start striking out 15 and not allowing any runs.

The game was good for me up through the 8th inning, then turned even more promising when Mariano Rivera came out (I have him too), it would have been nice for the Red Sox to just be content with their 7-4, 3 run lead and strike out in order. But no, they had to not only score 4 runs off of Rivera, but also take the game from save-situation so we could see Papelbon's rocks again to utter disaster (I also have Papelbon)

I better get a save from today's game.

The Pat's have yet to draft anyone... Here's my prediction for the Pat's first round:

2 Quarterbacks in the first round, Brady Quinn and Drew Stanton, Tom Brady ain't gettin any younger...

I am putting the links back on the page because the statute of limitations for being a hypocrite has expired.

Go (Bloody) Sox

The Red Sox just completed the coveted 2 game sweep in April over the Baltimore Orioles and remain in first place by a sexy 3 games. Thanks to Pedro Cerrano, I mean Wily Mo Pena's Grand Salami...

Again, it is still April, yet all the games do count and the Yankees are out of first by 5.5 games and continue their downward slide (6 straight losses). Still, it's April and we all know that the Yankees will have a comeback when their health improves, just gotta hope the Red Sox keep up the pace and that A-Roids does not, oops I meant A-Rod, I did not mean to imply anything there.

In other news, the NFL draft is upon us tomorrow and I will have live draft coverage from New York. (Not really, but that would be cool). There is no doubt in my mind that whomever Willy Belichick drafts, they will still be the best team in football.

In other draft news, the Israeli Baseball league just had their preliminary draft to determine who will play for whom in the inaugural season. The story only gets better from there however, my favorite athlete of all time, (and the only Jewish person to ever excel at any major sport ever, with apologies to Spitz, I do not think that swimming is on the same level as the MLB), Sanford (Sandy) Braun (Koufax) was drafted with the last pick. Obviously this is the greatest steal in any draft since the great Desmond White of Sussex, England was drafted in the 7th round of the 1322 Cricket armatures draft…. Seeing how there are so few successful Jewish athletes, I would have drafted him first even if he hasn't taken the mound in 41 years.

There's another upcoming series with the Red Sox and Yankees, it would be nice to put up a wall of the coffin (last weekend's series laid the blueprints for the coffin), so here are my predictions.

Game 1: Matsuzaka vs. Pettite. Daisuke finally establishes his dominance over American baseball players and strikes out 27, no one makes contact and he throws 0 balls, only 3 pitches per person. Pettite shows his age and why he has been hiding out in the National League (aka "The National League For People Who Cannot Make Contact With Baseballs) and gives up 8 runs in 2 innings. Papi hits 2 homers and sends 8 fans to the hospital.

Game 2: Wakefield vs Karstens. In a not so surprising turn of events, Karstens gives up 4 consecutive home runs to Ortiz, Ramirez, Drew and Lowell, and Wakefield's knuckler is as unhittable as ever and goes 8 innings striking out 10 and allowing 1 run to a BS play where A-Rod slaps the ball out of Youkilis' hand and the ball hits first base umpire Hunter Wendelstedt in the head forcing him to forget the play and Robinson Cano scores, but Papelbon strikes out Abreau, A-Rod and A-fraud (Giambi) on 9 pitches and making A-Rod re-think his life and wear a dress for no reason other than that he is a feminine athlete which is unacceptable in society.

Game 3: Tavares vs Wang. In Wang's first appearance against the Red Sox this season, David Ortiz takes him deep 4 times in 5 innings and Colter Bean relieves him only to give up another 4 homers to David in the final 4 innings, Sox win 29-10 because Tavares is crazy and will give up 10 runs because he wants to, Papelbon gets the 3 inning save and strikes out 9 on 27 pitches, no contact made.

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The Eye of God

This is just an awesome picture that I came across on the 'net, thought I'd share.

On To Baltimore

Too bad about that 2 game sweep that went in favor of the BJays, lets beat up Baltimore now.

Since World War 2, Fenway Park has not had the amount of souls in attendance that it had last night (4/24), 37,161.

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The greatest Red friend to Blue democracy died Monday at age 76.
Rest In Peace Premiere Boris Yeltsin





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What is Wrong With… Media??

Warning: You are about to read the most inane, incoherent post on the internet, I urge you to turn back now. (Parental Discretion is Advised)

This post is about the Virginia Tech tragedy, (I refuse to label it a massacre out of respect to the fallen and their families and call it what it truly is… a tragedy) and the response of the Media (specifically the television).

Seriously, what has happened to the ethics of news reporting in this country (I already know the answer and will inform you after you've considered all the facts). Seriously... WTF!? The topics that instantly arose on all media outlets, from Nancy Grace's baseless opinion show that has only been talking about Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest in peace), to MSNBC's sensational leftism to Fox News' "Fair and Balanced" Right-ness, were; violence in Hollywood and video games (the usual suspect); gun control; the reaction of the police; and speculation about the murderer (who I shall refer to only as "monster" from now on) and the least focus was on the victims.

I imagine the media getting the call from whomever it is that calls these things into the stations and the boss saying to the most famous anchors, correspondents and camera crews "Get the ******** down there, I want to know everything about everything!", then I imagine them all getting into their satellite-clad vans and helicopters and racing down to the campus in lightning speed, frothing at the mouth the whole time. It invokes reactions in me that only Don Henley's hit "Dirty Laundry" (midi, lyrics) can explain. Once there, the news crews set up camp. They interviewed everyone, broke into dorms to show how easy it is to gain access, and exposed every loophole in security on the campus to rub it in. But the real problem that I have with these events is the commercialization of it.

Think about your typical news broadcast. The good looking news man or woman reads from the teleprompter with a dismay in his/her eye, spewing out the latest insensitivity, 33 dead reports one station (counting the monster), 32 from another that has a little more of a proclivity to ethics in not counting the monster amongst the victims. Then they chew out the words "We'll have the latest for you after this break". And this is the part that really rips my heart apart… After the fade out and some news music consisting of trumpets, other horns and bass drums, (accompanied by a graphic that is usually of a flag waving or the logo), you hear "EATINNNNNN GOOOOOOOD…. IN THE NEIGHBORHOOOD" or "COME ON DOWN TO TIRE SHACK AND YOU'LL GET HALF OFF THIS WEEK ONLY!!!". Let me just get one thing out of the way, I am a major proponent of capitalism, I love it, but there is a line, it is not even a fine line, and we have made it more than OK to cross it, we have made it necessary for media to survive and thrive. The TV shows will tell you that they are deeply saddened and send their condolences and sympathies to the families and loved ones of the fallen, but then they play a commercial about how good your next vacation could be. In situations like this, in tragedies, in any national story, there is always one winner… the MEDIA, how many millions they have made off this most recent tragedy is only known to those who know, that is the bottom line in all tragedies, it is the bottom line in all things, it is a thing that is great, yet awful at the same time… that thing is….....................

YOU GUESSED IT!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

This is especially true in the Virginia Tech situation with the "Multimedia Manifesto" which was sent to NBC, where it was slightly redacted, yet it still gave the monster what he wanted and was extremely disrespectful to the victims. Of course they have the right to show whatever they want, but there needs to be some form of ethics, sadly, in my estimation, the only thing that will be remembered from this sickening event will be the monster's multimedia manifesto. It is, of course naive to think that it could have been kept away from the information super-highway that is the internet, especially with the rise of YouTube, et al. But the manifesto should have been made available only to the psychiatrists/ psychologists, and law enforcement officials to study, I fear that it will inspire others, in the way that this monster was inspired by past monsters such as the Collumbine monsters, and other mass murderers who pray upon the defenseless.

Yet, now this monster is immortalized, just like he wanted, and a week has gone by for us still alive, and the deceased have just begun their eternity.

RIP

There is one more tidbit I'd like to add: My father once told me "Son, believe half of what you see, a quarter of what you hear, and none of what you're told" that was in 1992, I would like to amend that statement to fit today's time because I am a cynical jerk.:

"Believe none of what you see, none of what you hear, none of what you're told
and believe all of what you read on this blog."

Now I have to apologize for that post but its just something I had to get off my chest, there is so much more to say, but you probably will not read that either. Tune in soon for a post about Imus, The Presidential Race and Global Warming! You'll be shocked! ALSO please do not click on my links while this post is on the front page, to avoid hypocracy (I have deleted a few that I could to make it easier)

Oh yea... Ethics in this country have gone down the toilet.

As always...

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