30 Days Hath September, APRIL, June and November

So today is the last day of April, which is also the first real month of this blog, here are some milestones to tell you all about.:

• The dumb post about the bees was the 20th dumb post and the 30th post overall.
• We surpassed 1,000 page hits, and are well on our way to getting 6 million new page hits per month.
• We may soon get a post from someone other than myself as well for the first time.

Overnight success is a dream of mine, and at this rate I will retire by september. So yea, keep reading and soon we'll have all sorts of contests and new content, also I am open to suggestions about how to make this website better. Thanks again!

What is Wrong With.... Japanese Giant Wasps?

Man, have I got a story to tell you...

I was walking to class today (as many of you well know it takes a bloody fortnight to get to classes at UMass Amherst) and today was a windy day so as one could imagine there was lots of debris flying around. Well i thought nothing of this until I looked to my left and whizzing at me at a good 80 mile per hour clip was a JAPANESE GIANT WASP (Vespa mandarinia)! It hit me square in the shoulder and broke my arm in 3 places, the doctors said that I was lucky it was not completely severed, which is why it has taken me 98 hours to type what I have thus far. Well you would think that was the end of the story but no, that is just where it begins!!! Upon being nailed by this massive insect, and apart from having my arm literally shattered like an egg dropped from 11 and a half feet, I was also rendered immediately unconscious. If not for my trusty camera phone I would not have been able to remember the incident or have evidence to sue the bee community or have been able to show you this picture: I had heard later that someone found the bastard bee and smooshed it with a Timberland, this person is now being held by the police for questioning in an apparent apiacide. Now, even after this ordeal, I have to consider myself lucky, had the bee not been inebriated, it could have stung me with its quarter inch stinger, and as you all know very well, Japanese Giant Wasps do not have barbs on their stingers and can sting repeatedly, and in the process release a pheromone which attracts dozens of other bastard beast bees. While in a meeting with my attorney we were interrupted by the FBI which had come to inform us that they were building a case against the Japanese Giant Wasp population and we were told not to go ahead with our case. It seems that Japanese Giant Wasps dominate the European Honeybee which has no defense against the Wasps which are approximately 10 million times larger than the docile Honeybee. In fact, about a half dozen or so Japanese Giant Wasps can devastate an entire hive of over 30,000 Honeybees in a matter of hours, suffering only minor casualties. The fascinating thing is that the Japanese Giant Wasps send out a single scout from their hive to find the Honeybees and then they mark the hive with a pheromone which will send the attackers into a frenzy, then once finished with the slaughter, the Japanese Giant Wasps will gather the larvae and eggs from the Honeybee colonies and bring them back to feed the young Japanese Giant Wasps. What's more is that the native Japanese Honeybees have built up a defense against the Japanese Giant Wasps. What happens is when a scout approaches a Honeybee hive, the Honeybees retreat into the hive and lure the Giant Wasp into the hive where they engulf it with Honeybees and then they vibrate so quickly that the body temperature of the Japanese Giant Wasp is raised a few degrees above it's tolerance, but still within the Honeybee's tolerance, thus killing the intruder and securing the hive from an attack. This practice comes at a cost however and several hundred bees die in the process.

This is where the Devil's live JAPAN:

Alright, obviously my story was dumb and fabricated, but it isn't completely false. A large bee actually did clumsily fly into my arm today riding a gust of wind. I was frightened but held my composure and ran like a little girl.

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Troy Tulowitzki Triple Trick

Troy Tulowitzki, the 2nd year PHENOM shortstop of the Colorado Rockies out of Long Beach State turned the very rare unassisted triple play in the top of the 7th inning today. It went down like this ya'll: The Atlanta Braves' Chipper Jones lined out to Tulowitzki (out number 1) and with the runners on first and second running with the pitch, Tulowitzki tagged second to retire the immortal Kelly Johnson (out number 2) then the former Red Sox great, shortstop Edgar Renteria was tagged out feet away from second base (out number 3). It was the 13th unassisted triple play in the history of the game, and Tulowitzki is the coolest guy to do it since John Valentin did it for the Red Sox against the Seattle Mariners in 1994 (sorry Furcal, you are not cool enough).

In my expert analysis Tulowitzki is clearly the greatest Polish Baseball player since Carl Yastrzemski. And will become the career leader in most batting categories in no time.

Sadly, however, the numbering for this unassisted triple play is 666, which also means something.

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An Interesting "If/ Then" Conjecture

If Tom Brady married Brady Quinn, then he'd be Tom Quinn.

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NFL Draft

William Jefferson Belichick > Albert Pujols Einstein

(not really)

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Red Sox

Yea, the Red Sox won big last night... but I didn't... First of all when is Daisuke going to have a game where he does not get thrown off track by horrible umpire calls? I have the Matsuzaka Man on my fantasy team and although he pitched well, he needs to start striking out 15 and not allowing any runs.

The game was good for me up through the 8th inning, then turned even more promising when Mariano Rivera came out (I have him too), it would have been nice for the Red Sox to just be content with their 7-4, 3 run lead and strike out in order. But no, they had to not only score 4 runs off of Rivera, but also take the game from save-situation so we could see Papelbon's rocks again to utter disaster (I also have Papelbon)

I better get a save from today's game.

The Pat's have yet to draft anyone... Here's my prediction for the Pat's first round:

2 Quarterbacks in the first round, Brady Quinn and Drew Stanton, Tom Brady ain't gettin any younger...

I am putting the links back on the page because the statute of limitations for being a hypocrite has expired.

Go (Bloody) Sox

The Red Sox just completed the coveted 2 game sweep in April over the Baltimore Orioles and remain in first place by a sexy 3 games. Thanks to Pedro Cerrano, I mean Wily Mo Pena's Grand Salami...

Again, it is still April, yet all the games do count and the Yankees are out of first by 5.5 games and continue their downward slide (6 straight losses). Still, it's April and we all know that the Yankees will have a comeback when their health improves, just gotta hope the Red Sox keep up the pace and that A-Roids does not, oops I meant A-Rod, I did not mean to imply anything there.

In other news, the NFL draft is upon us tomorrow and I will have live draft coverage from New York. (Not really, but that would be cool). There is no doubt in my mind that whomever Willy Belichick drafts, they will still be the best team in football.

In other draft news, the Israeli Baseball league just had their preliminary draft to determine who will play for whom in the inaugural season. The story only gets better from there however, my favorite athlete of all time, (and the only Jewish person to ever excel at any major sport ever, with apologies to Spitz, I do not think that swimming is on the same level as the MLB), Sanford (Sandy) Braun (Koufax) was drafted with the last pick. Obviously this is the greatest steal in any draft since the great Desmond White of Sussex, England was drafted in the 7th round of the 1322 Cricket armatures draft…. Seeing how there are so few successful Jewish athletes, I would have drafted him first even if he hasn't taken the mound in 41 years.

There's another upcoming series with the Red Sox and Yankees, it would be nice to put up a wall of the coffin (last weekend's series laid the blueprints for the coffin), so here are my predictions.

Game 1: Matsuzaka vs. Pettite. Daisuke finally establishes his dominance over American baseball players and strikes out 27, no one makes contact and he throws 0 balls, only 3 pitches per person. Pettite shows his age and why he has been hiding out in the National League (aka "The National League For People Who Cannot Make Contact With Baseballs) and gives up 8 runs in 2 innings. Papi hits 2 homers and sends 8 fans to the hospital.

Game 2: Wakefield vs Karstens. In a not so surprising turn of events, Karstens gives up 4 consecutive home runs to Ortiz, Ramirez, Drew and Lowell, and Wakefield's knuckler is as unhittable as ever and goes 8 innings striking out 10 and allowing 1 run to a BS play where A-Rod slaps the ball out of Youkilis' hand and the ball hits first base umpire Hunter Wendelstedt in the head forcing him to forget the play and Robinson Cano scores, but Papelbon strikes out Abreau, A-Rod and A-fraud (Giambi) on 9 pitches and making A-Rod re-think his life and wear a dress for no reason other than that he is a feminine athlete which is unacceptable in society.

Game 3: Tavares vs Wang. In Wang's first appearance against the Red Sox this season, David Ortiz takes him deep 4 times in 5 innings and Colter Bean relieves him only to give up another 4 homers to David in the final 4 innings, Sox win 29-10 because Tavares is crazy and will give up 10 runs because he wants to, Papelbon gets the 3 inning save and strikes out 9 on 27 pitches, no contact made.

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The Eye of God

This is just an awesome picture that I came across on the 'net, thought I'd share.

On To Baltimore

Too bad about that 2 game sweep that went in favor of the BJays, lets beat up Baltimore now.

Since World War 2, Fenway Park has not had the amount of souls in attendance that it had last night (4/24), 37,161.

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The greatest Red friend to Blue democracy died Monday at age 76.
Rest In Peace Premiere Boris Yeltsin





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What is Wrong With… Media??

Warning: You are about to read the most inane, incoherent post on the internet, I urge you to turn back now. (Parental Discretion is Advised)

This post is about the Virginia Tech tragedy, (I refuse to label it a massacre out of respect to the fallen and their families and call it what it truly is… a tragedy) and the response of the Media (specifically the television).

Seriously, what has happened to the ethics of news reporting in this country (I already know the answer and will inform you after you've considered all the facts). Seriously... WTF!? The topics that instantly arose on all media outlets, from Nancy Grace's baseless opinion show that has only been talking about Anna Nicole Smith (may she rest in peace), to MSNBC's sensational leftism to Fox News' "Fair and Balanced" Right-ness, were; violence in Hollywood and video games (the usual suspect); gun control; the reaction of the police; and speculation about the murderer (who I shall refer to only as "monster" from now on) and the least focus was on the victims.

I imagine the media getting the call from whomever it is that calls these things into the stations and the boss saying to the most famous anchors, correspondents and camera crews "Get the ******** down there, I want to know everything about everything!", then I imagine them all getting into their satellite-clad vans and helicopters and racing down to the campus in lightning speed, frothing at the mouth the whole time. It invokes reactions in me that only Don Henley's hit "Dirty Laundry" (midi, lyrics) can explain. Once there, the news crews set up camp. They interviewed everyone, broke into dorms to show how easy it is to gain access, and exposed every loophole in security on the campus to rub it in. But the real problem that I have with these events is the commercialization of it.

Think about your typical news broadcast. The good looking news man or woman reads from the teleprompter with a dismay in his/her eye, spewing out the latest insensitivity, 33 dead reports one station (counting the monster), 32 from another that has a little more of a proclivity to ethics in not counting the monster amongst the victims. Then they chew out the words "We'll have the latest for you after this break". And this is the part that really rips my heart apart… After the fade out and some news music consisting of trumpets, other horns and bass drums, (accompanied by a graphic that is usually of a flag waving or the logo), you hear "EATINNNNNN GOOOOOOOD…. IN THE NEIGHBORHOOOD" or "COME ON DOWN TO TIRE SHACK AND YOU'LL GET HALF OFF THIS WEEK ONLY!!!". Let me just get one thing out of the way, I am a major proponent of capitalism, I love it, but there is a line, it is not even a fine line, and we have made it more than OK to cross it, we have made it necessary for media to survive and thrive. The TV shows will tell you that they are deeply saddened and send their condolences and sympathies to the families and loved ones of the fallen, but then they play a commercial about how good your next vacation could be. In situations like this, in tragedies, in any national story, there is always one winner… the MEDIA, how many millions they have made off this most recent tragedy is only known to those who know, that is the bottom line in all tragedies, it is the bottom line in all things, it is a thing that is great, yet awful at the same time… that thing is….....................

YOU GUESSED IT!

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$.

This is especially true in the Virginia Tech situation with the "Multimedia Manifesto" which was sent to NBC, where it was slightly redacted, yet it still gave the monster what he wanted and was extremely disrespectful to the victims. Of course they have the right to show whatever they want, but there needs to be some form of ethics, sadly, in my estimation, the only thing that will be remembered from this sickening event will be the monster's multimedia manifesto. It is, of course naive to think that it could have been kept away from the information super-highway that is the internet, especially with the rise of YouTube, et al. But the manifesto should have been made available only to the psychiatrists/ psychologists, and law enforcement officials to study, I fear that it will inspire others, in the way that this monster was inspired by past monsters such as the Collumbine monsters, and other mass murderers who pray upon the defenseless.

Yet, now this monster is immortalized, just like he wanted, and a week has gone by for us still alive, and the deceased have just begun their eternity.

RIP

There is one more tidbit I'd like to add: My father once told me "Son, believe half of what you see, a quarter of what you hear, and none of what you're told" that was in 1992, I would like to amend that statement to fit today's time because I am a cynical jerk.:

"Believe none of what you see, none of what you hear, none of what you're told
and believe all of what you read on this blog."

Now I have to apologize for that post but its just something I had to get off my chest, there is so much more to say, but you probably will not read that either. Tune in soon for a post about Imus, The Presidential Race and Global Warming! You'll be shocked! ALSO please do not click on my links while this post is on the front page, to avoid hypocracy (I have deleted a few that I could to make it easier)

Oh yea... Ethics in this country have gone down the toilet.

As always...

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Back to Back to Back to Back

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GOIN FOR THE SWEEP

Its April, therefore it is still early, but a sweep still might mean something to get this team going and that team going away.

No hard luck losses today Daisuke!

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Khalid Abdul Muhammad

I um... have no words, except...AMEN!

Hi-Speed Hamster, Benny Hill-style

Hey guys! It's 4/20, April 20th... do you know what that means!???? It means its time to toke up! Yeah AWSOME!!! Do you know what, aside from the awsomely highest (pun fully intended) holiday in the religion of counter-culture 4/20 is!?!?! Here... I'll inform you...

These events also occured on April 20th, the most radical day of the year! (chronological order)

1775 Boston is under seige by the Red-Coats...uh oh
1889 Adolf Hitler is born
1912 Fenway Park and Tiger Stadium open
1914 17 die in a Colorado coal-miner's strike
1918 The Red Baron scores his 79th and 80th and final kills of the First World War
1943 Warsaw Ghetto uprising continues
1948 Adolf Lu Hitler R. Marak is born (Indian politician)
1961 Bay of Pigs invasion/ failure
1961 Don Mattingly born
1967 126 die in a plane crash in Toronto
1968 122 die in a plane crash in South Africa
1978 107 die in shooting down of Korean Air Flight 902 by Soviets
1986 Michael Jordan scores 63 points in a playoff game against Boston (most ever in a playoff)
1992 Benny Hill dies
1998 53 die in a plane crash in Colombia
1999 12 are murdered in Columbine
2000 Funny Cide (horse) born
What a great day! Smoke up!

Rhetorical Question of the Month

Do you think that the cavemen popped their pimples?

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What is Wrong With.... The English Language...

OMG, like here is a blog that im like totally going to like go off on. There's a sentence that's construction prevents me from doing things like sleeping at night, driving in between the lines, eating, learning and taking my meds. First here is an example of a string of words that was uttered from between someones lips in a Political Science discussion last semester...at a college:

The constitution is like you know like like a document that like lays out like the laws

As astounding as that is...there are no typos or errors contained in that sentence. There was this person (who's sex, race, name and GPA shall remain hidden, but you will draw your own conclusion) that said the dreaded word "like" an average of every-other word. So I had taken it upon myself to record what person x said and so that proves that person x said that 'sentence'. I am not an expert of language (although I do know everything about all languages), however very few events that take place in the classroom irk me as much as the person who's vocabulary consists entirely of the demon word "like". "Like" is by far the worst word in all languages, it strips the speaker of all intellectuality (that is a real word, do not question my skills), it annoys the listeners and when used in poetry it destroys the writer's credibility as a poet. I know that the demon word is often used as a result of stress, or when someone is on a rampage, but what good has the word ever actually done?

The answer, from this professional, is NONE.

The bottom line in this situation is that if you (that is the general you) use a word other than "like" in any situation you will sound infinitely, exponentially, more intelligent. To help you out… here is a list of words and phrases you may use to achieve the level of intellect that I have. (But you must always credit me when you use these terms, my lawyer is on speed dial.)

• similarly


• comparably


• as though


• as if


• akin to


• analogous to


• correspondingly

Another colloquialism that sets me ablaze is when the phrase "don't" is improperly used. The most glaring example in modern times is the Pussy Cat Dolls (PCD) mega-hit song "Don't Cha". the lyric is:

Don't ya wish your girlfriend was hot like me.

If this were translated into actual English it should read... "[Do not you] wish [that] your girlfriend [were] hot [comparable to] me." Now I am not fool, I know as well as anyone that that does not sell. However, the song is another example of pop culture destroying America... literally tearing it apart at the seams. Similarly, the words "aks" (ask), "ain't" (isn't, is not), etc... also are tearing apart the grounds that this country was laid upon. Intellectuals wrote and drafted the Constitution, why are we defeating ourselves into a culture of failure. Yea, I understand the whole argument about dialectical linguistics and that some of what I consider pseudo-words are actual words, but do we really need to take these backwards steps and devolve? In the elegant words of the greatest American to ever live (clearly my opinion yet it is based on pure fact), Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr:

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.

PS) This post has nothing to do with race and I am not singling out any such group. See through the crap.

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10 Things I Heard/ Learned this Week...

1) "Gilligan [of the hit show Gilligan's Island] wrote [the hit TV show] Lost" according to this guy:
2) There's a semi-formal dance outside the North Apartments on the 26th.

3) Calling a team of basketball players "nappy headed ho's" is in no way similar to calling an average black woman a "bitch" or a "ho" and that there is no double standard. (I completely disagree, but that's for another post, and on my other website http://alljokingaside.blogspot.com/ which is under construction.)

4) Daisuke Matzusaka is going to strike out 800 men this year and lose 30 games.

5) Crohn's Disease, like all diseases, sucks.

6) I am a C+ student, got a 79.5 on an exam, and a C+ on a paper, also I am 100 credits behind.

7) If my phone number is first in someone's phone and said phone is a Chocolate... I will be called inadvertently at 4am...thanks JC.

8) Vince Young will be hurt this year.

9) I subconsciously stole the idea of doing 10 things learned this week from this website.

१०) यू कैन टाईप इन हिंदी ओं थिस वेबसाइट.
(you can type in Hindi on this website)

MLB - A Fan throwing a pizza at another Fan

Alright, the guy who throws the pizza looks a lot like my dad. Especially since he has the same jacket... unfortunately it is not him, regardless this guy is an idiot for throwing a $75 slice of pizza.

VA Tech Shootings...

This is a tragedy of epic proportions and I am somewhat uncomfortable posting about this, but it's not about me. Just pray for the families, and continue to take nothing for granted.


Rest In Peace

Virginia Tech's info page


For a good insight of what the media will be talking about for the next several days go to Tom's Blog, I think he really hit the nail on the head.
All joking aside.

Jackie Robinson

Jackie Robinson

Happy Jackie Robinson day... certainly one of the bravest professional baseball players in history, (along with those who have gone to war). In honor of Jackie Robinson, here is a link with the stats of the last Red Sox player to wear the number 42... Maurice Vaughn... and his favorite past-time.

YAY!

Yay!!! There is a God!!! He made it so that today's game was rained out so I can see Beckett instead of Tavarez!!! Yay!

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What is Wrong With...Teachers

First off, as a matter of housekeeping, I will start off every blog with "What is Wrong With..." then the topic of whatever I’m talking about. I think it will be the coolest thing ever, and if you have read any of my previous blogs then you already know that I am smarter than you and what I say is consistently correct. So here goes nothing.

What is Wrong With... Teachers!
I will tell you something that’s very wrong with at least one teacher... This guy is my Philosophy Teacher, I guess I will withhold his name out of courtesy and fear of suit of law, however he is a total dingleberry, and not even a real teacher he is a grad student teaching a 300 level course...is this normal? For one thing, he completely turned me off to philosophy, existentialism in particular because that is what the class focuses on. Well his lectures consist entirely of "well I think that is really interesting, what do you think", never anything valuable from the readings, and we still do not know what the flying heck "existentialism" is about.

Aside from being an awfully boring and disengaging teacher, the format of the class is pathetic. There are 3 exams worth 25% and 1 long paper also worth 25%. This would not be so bad if there was anyway of evaluating what you know between exams. The exam format is disgusting as well. He gives us 9 multi-tiered questions about his lectures a couple classes before the exam. Then he narrows it down to about 3 or 4 and we have to pick 2 or 3 out of the remaining questions. This format sucks because it only teaches memorization, never an actual grasp for the concepts, in my expert opinion as a professional student, a take-home exam would be far better.

However, the former is not what irks me so much about the class. What really grinds my gears is the audacity this guy possesses. Yesterday was exam day. My girlfriend, my friend and I were walking to class a good 20 minutes before the 2:30pm start. However, as we approached the building, we witnessed the instructor moseying away from class. The guy was in the most calm, soothing meander I have ever seen. We thought maybe he was going for a coffee or something and thought nothing major of it. Then when sitting in class, the clock moved along and waited for no one. He was almost 10 minutes late for a 50-minute exam! I don't know about you, reader, but whenever I am taking an exam I expect the teacher to be there plenty early. The simple fact that he was late is not even the worst part of it. The worst is that he was late and had the bravado to lecture us for another 4-5 minutes before even administering the exam... AND THAT IS STILL NOT THE WORST OF IT. His lecture was about etiquette! He informed us that it is not prudent to e-mail him at 1AM, the morning of the test about the test! OH! THE HUMANITY! Listen Pal...its not like your house was being set on fire by this inquisitive student, its not like they were shooting at your window with a cannon that shot doves, its not like they unleashed a million cicadas in your closet, nor is it as though the phone was ringing even once! It was an e-mail, that either you saw while you were already online and it possibly made a “ding” or even that you woke up, checked your e-mail and saw that someone had asked a question at said time! Oh gosh…if only I had done well on this exam. How dare you sir…how dare you!

Sorry about the long-windedness and lack of graphics in this blog, but it really hit home.

Dan

RHYME OF THE ANCIENT (SEATTLE) MARINER

I hate you Seattle Mariners....first of all stop bringing bad weather every where you go, its only supposed to rain in Seattle and you have a roof for that. How many games have you guys played this year...oh yea like 2... Thanks so much for pushing Dice-K's start back a day so now when I go to the game on Monday I will be watching the immortal Julian Tavarez. I think I might smell a law suit. Bastards.


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ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED!

So after 5 years of solid scientific research I finally figured out why Michael Jackson has had so much work done. It seems that there is a condition known as Ecimantaloidendephacellophy which is described as: The condition when someone who has achieved success wishes to mirror it by mutilating their body. In the case of Michael Jackson who went from
1A) this:


1B) and this:


2) Ulitmately to this:


3) Because of this success:




So by a simple math equation...picture 2=picture 3

As a bonus to you, watch these videos while you procrastinate!
http://youtube.com/watch?v=LbvP7dT3Dx0
and
http://youtube.com/watch?v=rT90keJ51bY



Sources: Picture 1A, 1B, 2, 3

Probably the most insane genius of all time!

His Words

and

His Sights

just revel in awe of a (bubble)master!

Why you won't be passing any finals this year....

Click here.... and it will be your downfall

BREAKING NEWS!!!

Already my little corner of the world wide web has changed the world, for without my earth shattering tactic to find the baby's father yesterday there's absolutely no scientific way to have found the truth...

ITS LARRY!

My Latest Blog =now()

This is the long awaited reinstatement of my tremendous blog! It saddens me how little I have put into this stuff, and my life, however, it is now back and probably worse than ever!! (Which I immediatly proved to be true with the multiple errors, which I am currently fixing...i.e. the Britney link is fixed, a bat has been added as well as the second person after D-Wade)

Over the past year an awful, awful lot has happened, some very important events like; Anna Nicole Smith's unfortunate, untimely, unforeseen demise and the drama that's since unfurled; Britney Spears' heart-breaking break-down; Heidi moved in with Spencer!; and of course WrestleManiaXXIII™'s shenanigans... the world is in shambles. Also in the news were some stories that really should not have received any coverage, such as; Nancy Pelosi becoming the first Female Speaker of the House, whoopee!; Developments in Iraq (where on the map is Iraq exactly anyways??? lol); Those pesky Attorney's got fired; and Global Warming debates intensifying (like the temperature??? Tell that to the snow we got…in APRIL!!!). Whatever you personally think about those events…please keep it to yourself and listen to what I have to say, I know a lot more than you do. (My GPA is 1.645 with 1 being the highest you can possibly attain)

One of the most important events of this year, nay, of our lifetime, nay, for all lifetimes has occurred recently in the form of former Playboy Bunny/ Pulitzer Prize Loreate Anna Nicole Smith's, PhD., Esq., demise has shaken the country, nay, North America, nay, the Planet, nay, the entire entity of humanity to the core! This is quantifiable by the nonstop coverage of her sad history-changing death by the national and the international news. Thank ALL the gods who have ever been worshipped by anyone anywhere for the 24 hour news network and its groundbreaking coverage of this story to end all stories. If not for the 24 hour news network we would never have known that nobody knows who her baby's daddy is…. And as a professional courtesy to all who are involved (keep in mind I am in no way a professional at anything), I vow to use this Web Log as an outlet to bring forth the truth in these trying times, let me begin with a mind-blowing well thought out tactic to find who the baby's father is (free of charge)… Ask the baby! Out of the parties involved, the baby is the only witness from the event that is completely trustworthy and alive (aside from the father). Case closed, no award or rewards accepted, its just part of a day's work ma'am.

Meanwhile, in a dramatic turn of events that is more earth shattering and down right damning to white-male landowners since the abolishment of slavery, Britney Spears has gone completely batty!

I do not mean the Lorraine Bobbit type of batty, or the Ugueth Urbina kind of batty but, rather the Heaven's Gate kind of batty … She killed herself, maybe the body is still alive but (and I'm no math major) this does not equal this. And although I do not profess to be a biology major, but is it not true that all the cells replace themselves (aside from neurons) over time anyhow…clearly she is not utilizing the same neurons as when she was this and when she is practicing this (which happens to be the most disturbing picture of all time). Let me help you out Britney, again as a professional courtesy from someone who is not even close to becoming a professional, and I will give you a link to a certain Armenian Doctor that can cure you, Britney, of all your woes.

As for the third most incredible sign of the imminent Apocalypse…holy crap…Heidi what are you doing, what have you done? Spencer is the biggest load of crud since…this guy (maybe an over-exaggeration…but they both drive German luxury mobiles. Spencer's. and Adolf's). Heidi…come on, this guy is going to cheat on you again, probably a playmate and possibly getting himself killed in the act (which I hope his whole persona is…just an act) however Heidi, girlfriend, this professional has an idea for you (by the way I am not a pro.). Here's what to do Heidi… Become a playmate yourself! Then when you marry Spencer you cheat on him!!! It's a fool proof plan…at the Christmas party sleep with Dwyane Wade and at the same time (maybe even throw in some Howard K. Stern) But whatever you do Heidi, do not have any kids with these men… That is Anna Nicole's realm, you stay out of it. (Oh yea...Spencer...will you just accept my myspace friend request already...sheesh)

By the way… WrestleMania XXIII™'s main event was phenomenal, check out the details on some other site you nerd! Props to my main man Donald Trump…you are my new hero, not some soldier or officer of the law, or fireman…you are my hero. Anything for Money should be your catchphrase…except I am going to copyright it and you wont be able to use it without paying me.

The other stuff mentioned in the beginning is not important at all and we should go on ignoring it.

GO DICE-K

Love, Dan

PS if anyone needs an Xbox, some games, a PS2 and some games, then please email me.

PSS if anyone knows anything about automobile engineering, maybe with some specialization with electro-magnets, please also email me…I have an idea…

I DID IT MAH IM OKAY!