The Red Sox

Clearly the team that is playing the best right now is the Boston Red Sox. They have the best record in the majors (26-11) which also translates to the best winning percentage (.703) have the biggest lead in their division out of any team in the bigs (8 1/2 over New York). Stop reading if it's too obvious but the reason why they have been the best is because their pitching has given up the fewest total runs in the MLB (126) and their offense has scored the most runs out of all 32 teams (205).

Does this mean they are the best team? According to the objective of the game which is to score more runs than you allow to win games, then yes it does mean that they are the best team. But the best part about the whole thing is that they have no reason to rush Josh Beckett to health. He has been phenomenal on a staff that consists of 3 1/2 guys who should start the All-Star Game (Wakefield, Beckett, Schilling and Dice-K is the half).

What would a cynic say about this? "It is early" which is true, it is early, but the objective isn't just to win games late in the season, you have to win them all season long. I liken that argument to the one that was utilized after Dice-K's first start. "He hasn't played any good teams". I think that is the dumbest argument. He does not get to choose who he pitches against, and if he is going to pitch against a bad team he may as well pitch great. One argument that a pundit may not make is that the inability to sign Roger Clemens will hurt them. This is another bad argument because Roger Clemens will not be better than anyone in the rotation except Julian Tavarez, and Tavarez has been great for a number 5 starter, at least he's been better than any of New York's starters, and what's more is that he is going to soon be replaced by Lester, which will also bolster the already amazing bullpen! Oh this is a great season, keep it up!

Why I rambled this blog out escapes my mind, I just felt like I had to write something.

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Live Updates from the Seven Seas I

(Truth in this story is not guaranteed, and the names have been changed, but still represent real people)

Launch went off without a hitch, if you consider losing one of your chef's to a pending trial regarding being the number 1 subscriber to Mainland America Man Boy Love Association (MAMBLA) hitch less (luckily we still have MAMBLA's 2^nd biggest customer on board, he is our oiler but I will get to that soon). Nevertheless the journey must go on, and on it shall go!

We disembarked from Provincetown at 5:47am after a long night of partying with the men. This is a journey that will take us to the end of our lives and now, 300 Nautical Miles from port, our adventures have only just begun. I will now introduce to you the crew.

Our chef who is now awaiting trial was Midshipman Rohald McMurphy, we expect him to beat the silly case on a technicality in a few months or so and then he will rejoin the crew.

Our chief artist and back-up chef Lieutenant Commander Ryan Scranton's art will be one of our main sources of income for the voyage, also he will pen treasure maps for us while spinning pies.

Our oiler/mechanic, also MAMBLA's number 2 best customer, Ensign Johannes Randy Sorkin will be taking care of the vessels mechanical functions and tickling us pink every now and then.

Juan Banēson will be our look-out man and chief historian on board. He will collaborate with Lt. Commander Scranton on treasure maps to ensure our ultimate success.

Lieutenant Commander First Class Eric Loveschild, our liaison to the spiritual realm, chief medic, head lifeguard and head of security will ensure our safety while at sea and the betterment of our souls.

Commander Minas Singer is our on-board DJ/ Entertainment officer in charge of morale, will also Navigate the vessel at the helm.

1^st Mate, and other helmsmen positions will be rotated periodically and when it is suitable to have someone else in command by the crew.

And I, Admiral Doon Abers am Captain of this ship, I decide when we fight, when we run, and where the ship goes. Other than that most of the decisions on board will be made democratically.

With so many characters, this is sure to be a whacky exploit. Stay tuned for periodic updates that will thrill the senses!

MOTHERS DAY!

It's mother's day, I hope you all bought your mother's flowers and chocolates… I did not, so the reason I hope that you did is so that you do not undergo the same amount of stress that I am! But wait! There is something I can do for my mother… Blog about her!! I hope you appreciate this mom.

Mom, you are easily the best mother in the world, possibly the best who has ever walked that very same world. If not for you, this blog (however awful it is) would not be in existence. If not for you, my father would not be sane, my sister would not be insane and I would not be. You put up with my crying tantrums that took place before soccer, during camp, when I had night terrors, and all sorts of other situations, you should probably be given a Medal of Honor for that. You have been through a lot, helping your family (extended and close) through difficult situations and putting up with their tantrums too. You've had a heart attack, which you punched in the face and beat to a pulp. You stand for all that is right in the world and no one should ever cross you. You are the greatest mom and I love you very much.

Accomplishments (in no particular order)

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  gave birth to me


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  gave birth to my sister


• 
  
  raised me


• 
  
  raised my sister


• 
  
  beat me in many fights


• 
  
  received a pack of gum from me for your birthday once and didn't punch me in the head (like I deserved)


• 
  
  extended dad's life expectancy


• 
  
  been the glue in 2 families


• 
  
  supported me in all my endeavors


• 
  
  calmed my father's nerves when he was upset at me


• 
  
  calmed my sister's nerves when she was upset at me


• 
  
  calmed your own nerves when you were upset at me


• 
  
  and so much more
  

I LOVE YOU MOM!!

Public Apology

I feel that I must publicly apologize about the recent state of this blog. To the faithful reader (my dad), I apologize that this blog has not lived up to the standards in recent times that we all hope it would. This blog has been crap for a few days now (maybe for its entire life) but rest assured, in a matter of time this blog will return to a state of awsomness that will be unparalled. In the mean time please be entertained by the clip of the man being tasered repeatedly, and deservedly so.

The Rock

Tonight (7:07), Dice-k takes the hill against the Toronto Blue Jays in game 2 of this three game set. I predict that he will cruise through the first 4 innings, then give up 4 runs in the 5th and then pitch great until the 7th. But what I want is at least 15 strikeouts, its about time Dice-K, come on... come on.

Just a Quick Heads Up

In a few days I am embarking on a journey that will span the rest of my life. I am taking to the seas. I will be chronicling the events of the journey in posts on this blog as time goes on. My crew and I are very excited.
So tune in frequently.

Here is what the ship looks like.

What is Wrong With… “N*ppy He*ded H*es”?

This is a rap yo…

Don Imus was wrong…

Dem Rutgah's ladies ain't N*ppy He*ded H*es!

They ain;t h*es from different area codes

They ain't h*es with crappy threaded clothes

CHORUS:

Get 'em Sharpton, Get 'em Jesse

Make this Imus sh*t good 'n messy

Blame dem corporate h*es in their fancy clothes

Not all dem h*es makin rythms flow

Don't blame those who go into da sto's

Blame dat Billy O', and dat Kramer Foe

(CHORUS)

Dem corporate crows is makin' all da dough

Keepin Snoop an' other bro's really F'in PO!

Dem white CEO's gotta F'in GO!

(CHORUS)

Imus aint da h*e, he aint "getting low"

NO! He aint spittin rhymes like Edgar Allen Poe

Not tryin to maintain no stinky status Quo

Seeds of racial ish he be tryin ta sew

Neva spent a day in da Ghetoo

Woa!

(CHORUS)

Yo!

Seriously though, come on. Come on Russell Simmons, in Time Magazine you were quoted as saying that "It is the norm for American culture. Hip-hop is so honest. We have to adhere to the truth, even if it makes us uncomfortable. The artists have to express what's in their heart. They don't always feel like being happy and dancing." In response to the question "How has ostentatious consumption and misogyny become the norm for the hip-hop movement". Seriously Russell, how can you say that the hip-hop portrayal of women represents the American culture's hatred, dislike, or mistrust of women? As far as I know, it is not the norm of American culture to hate women. Your comments in this week's issue of Time puzzle me, although they shouldn't. The only norm here is that another person is allaying responsibility for something to someone else.

What we need is a comprehensive approach, not the approach of Al Sharpton, who recently hosted a rally outside of a Record producing company, claiming that it is the white corporate types that make hip-hop use self-defeating words. Such a lame argument for so many reasons.

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What is Wrong With... Roger Clemens?

At the risk of becoming primarily a sport's blog I will now analyze (expertly) the Roger Clemens fiasco.

Roger "The Pocket Rocket" Clemens is... GASP!!!...once again a New York Yankee, and for reasons that I will get into later it could not have come at a better time for him. But first, what does this mean for the beloved Boston Red Sox?

NOT A DANG THANG!

The Red Sox are currently one of the premier teams in the league. Their pitching is dominating and going deep into games. Obviously, it would be naive to think that it will continue that way, but you cannot make predictions or analysis based on unknowns such as injuries. If nothing else, the Red Sox should be motivated by this signing. I'll be honest, I thought that he was going to sign with the Red Sox, but it really does not make any more sense than if David signed up with the Philistines and fought alongside Goliath, we certainly would not be remembering David had he done that.
Roger Clemens is looking to further his already superb legacy by trying to bail out the Yankees in a situation that they will probably be bailed out of anyway. Their pitching would probably get healthy again and their hitting will only improve with Jeter, Abreu, and Damon in slumps at press time, and do not forget about Mariano Rivera's troubles. Obviously he is not his old self, but even a depleted Rivera is better than most other closers in the league.
The money, clearly is another reason why Clemens is the only winner here (other than the Red Sox). $28 million prorated dollars should be enough to bring anyone out of retirement. The Yankees rotation currently costs higher than any major league team prior to 1991 (I made that up because I am too lazy to find the real figure), and more than 23 teams this season. But if the Yankees have the money why not spend it? All I know is that I would not spend $28 million prorated dollars on a guy who played 19 games last year and recorded a 7-6 record with an ERA of 2.30 that sounds good but in the light hitting NL that translates to an ERA over 5.00 in the heavy hitting AL. Which brings me to my predictions for Roger this season... I predict that he will match his 7-6 record and record an era of about 5.28, with 92k's and he will not beat the Red Sox at all. Well worth $28 million if you ask me.

Sorry for this ramble but I had to get it out.

Special Thanks to Miss. W. Mass for use of her laptop (this blog is in no way affiliated with the Miss America Organization, or the Children's Miracle Network, but still click on that link and donate)

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What Is Wrong With..... Paris Hilton!?!?

On May 4th, 2007, Paris Hilton, who happens to be the best representation of innocence in youth in this country to the world, was (in my estimation) framed for a violation of her probation, and has until June 5th to report to a 45 day jail sentence. Obviously this is the fault of no one except her publicist.

Paris, who had been previously arrested for drunk driving and reckless driving had violated her probation by... driving! She claimed to be unaware that she was not allowed to drive, even though the court order mandating that she stay out of the driver seat was in the glove box at the time!

Her claim was that her publicist, who should be fired soon, did not explain to her that she could not drive. Clearly the 26 year old "model"- "porn star"- heiress -role model - spokesperson - socialite should not be expected to know the terms of court orders imposed upon her.

On a serious note, this is obviously a victory for everyone. It removes someone who should not be looked up to, someone who should not even be mentioned or known, from the perverted society that she perverts. Furthermore, she clearly should not be driving in the first place, and this is probably, at least for the 45 days that she is in jail, save countless lives.

A Look at this Weekend’s Sporting Events

Wow! What a weekend for sports! With what is expected to be one of the biggest boxing matches in Pay Per View history slated to take place Saturday, May 5^th, the 122^nd running of horses at Churchill Downs also on Saturday, lots of basketball and hockey playoff games all weekend, and a Red Sox series in Minnesota all scheduled to take place, this should be quite a weekend to remember.

First, the boxing match. Oh the hype! This fight, featuring Oscar De La Hoya (38-4 30 KO's) and Floyd Mayweather Jr. (37-0 24 KO's) should be a doozie. It is already projected to be the top grossing Pay Per View event of all time.

Mayweather, the undefeated and current WBC Welterweight champeen, is the son of De La Hoya's former trainer! What's more is that Floyd Mayweather Sr. is not the biggest fan of his son! Some say that Mayweather has no weakness and if I were face to face with the man I wouldn't have any qualms about telling him that his left jab clearly is his weakness, then when he'd attempt to prove me wrong I'd dodge his weak jab and counter with a right hook and combo into my patented Shamalamadingdong as performed by Otis Day and the Knights and knock the living daylights out of Mayweather.

In fact, Floyd… that is a direct challenge. You… Me… the Garden… July 4^th Pay Per View. I know I'll be there, if you don't show… that's your problem.

Oscar De La Hoya literally means "Oscar of the Hole" no joke, but I translate it differently. For me it's "Oscar De La No Holes In His Style". The man is a living legend and did I mention that he is gorgeous to boot!? Well he is. He dresses right, fights right, eats right and looks right.

That said, here is my prediction… Mayweather with the left jab into Of The Hole's temple knocking him to the carpet and out cold in an instant in the 2^nd. Why? Because its May and the weather is nice, so therefore Mayweather must win. Enjoy paying $54.99 to watch some guys punch each other. I wish every household in America would pay me $54.99 to get punched.

Next on the menu is the 122^nd running of the steeds at Churchill Downs. The bigness of this event is overshadowed by the attendance of the Queen of England. She and some of her royal family will attend this year's Kentucky Derby and she will undoubtedly lose hundreds of dollars betting on the wrong trifecta. But enough Queen bashing, I am actually very proud of the Queen. In a gesture of good faith she visited with some of the families and survivors of the April tragedy at Virginia Tech. Nicely done Queen.

Now, here are the field and odds for the race:

And here is my educated pick:

• "Storm in May"-Win, for the same reason that Mayweather will win,
• "Tueflesberg"-Place, because obviously it's one of two Jewish horses in the race,
• "Sedgefield"- Show, because this horse is clearly the other Jewish horse in the field, and because it is the fastest, has the best position and currently is possessed by the soul of Barbaro.

Barbaro, may it Rest In Peace

There are also basketball and hockey playoffs... COOL

The Red Sox have a tough series in Minnesota starting tonight with matchups of Wakefield (2-3) vs Silva (2-1); The Immortal Tavarez (1-2) vs The Average Santana (3-2) Saturday and the final game of the series Schilling (3-1) takes on Ponson (2-3) I predict a sweep!

Also, Spiderman 3 debuts, the spring concert at UMass is Sunday and don't forget to get your Meat Loaf tickets Monday for his August 20^th show at the Pavilion in Boston.

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Hail! Hail! The Gang's All Here!

We have our first post from someone other than Daniel (me). Meet, Brian... The energetic and comedic all-star out of Townsend, MA is expecting to receive his his BA in Math from UMass Amherst later this month. His witty, light-hearted humor will delight those who read his posts and he is a welcome spirit to this blog.

Enjoy his first post below. It's a clever template that can be used to write amazing comedy!

This is he

Contemplative..................DESTRUCTIVE

If you would also like to contribute to this growing blog, please e-mail DanielAbrams94@gmail.com with your name, a sample of your work, transcripts and of course 3 recommendations from esteemed people.

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Family Guy (Shit-ty-Show) -noun : An arbitrary assortment of movie quotes, TV quotes, and other stolen, unoriginal comedy set to animation, loosely following a storyline written by an angry baboon swatting at a typewriter.


So I was thinking of something monumental to write about for my first entry, but nothing was coming to mind. 15 seconds later, a friend sent me a link to a youtube video clip, and unfortunately I was reminded of the monumental suckfest that is Family Guy. The horrendous 18 second clip in question involves Peter reciting (practically verbatim) a quote from this website:

http://reviews.ebay.com/Top-100-Chuck-Norris-Facts_W0QQugidZ10000000000690883


Or any other Chuck Norris site, it makes no difference.

--Before I say anything more, I would like to point out that I am aware of the irony that a lot of what I am saying has already been said on South Park. Before you all scream hypocrisy, I have felt this way long before they made their ideas public, and they articulated it before I could.--

"There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist"

After all intellectual property theft has been properly executed, the joke becomes a Family Guy original when they tack on Brian getting punched in the face by Chuck Norris' chin fist. WOW! So, all you have to do is simply recite someone else's joke, then add a second or two of slapstick to make it your own. That's creativity at its finest, people. If there is an opposite of laughing, that's what I did for a few seconds before seeing what other people thought. Reading the first comment, I saw that at least one person found this hilarious. In fact, the entire page was filled with viewers who couldn't get enough of this brilliant, original, detestable plagiarism.

View the video here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=grg0Yfz8k2A

I don't know about you guys, but I love watching a 90-second storyline crammed with over 20 minutes of arbitrary movie and tv references. WHAT THE HELL MAKES THIS SO FUNNY? Or, I should say, how could anyone find this funny?


Writer 1 : "Hey I got an idea! Lets have a clip where Darth Vader is looking at pornography! Can you imagine that? PORNOGRAPHY! VADER! See, people like Star Wars, and porno can be funny sometimes! Get it?"

Writer 2: "Genius! Where should we put it in the story line?"

Writer 3: "You got a die?"

*** Want to be a Family Guy writer? It's EASY! Just follow these simple steps***

1. Think of any possible storyline that could last longer than 60 seconds

examples- Main character going to the store
- Main character going fishing
- Main character going for a walk

It's not too important, the audience probably won't be able to notice a storyline anyway.

2. Something happens to the main character while fishing/walking/store fishing/walk storing

This is the basis for your joke, so pay attention. This event can be described by an adjective.

adjective examples : funny, happy, cool, sad, etc.

3. After you have settled on your favorite adjective to describe the event, now it's time to dip into the infinite resource of other peoples' fame. This is the easy part.

The sentence

"This is funnier than.... This is cooler than.... I am happier than.."

goes a long way. Now it's time to reach into that creative mind of yours and pull out whatever movie/tv clip or celebrity you can think of. BUT (careful now), you don't want to plagiarise, you want to keep this your own material. Instead of having it end how it would, have it end with one of the following:

-someone running around screaming and yelling
-someone falling down
-someone looking at porno

or just be creative! There's at least 2 other ways for a family guy flashback to end. Now you're ready to write and please millions.

This is just an amazing article well worth reading: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18368186/site/newsweek/